Monthly Archives: March 2015

Finding schmoopie

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positanoUsually, my blog posts focus on a parenting topic de jour, highlighting the funny things my kids said or the challenge I’m currently facing. However, after my previous post about becoming a mom for the third time I realized that there’s a big part of being a parent in my family that I haven’t focused on in a blog yet – my husband. Hence, this one is for him.

In one of my first sociology classes in college, we read a book called The Second Shift. The book focused on the role of the working mom who spends a full day in a professional setting and then comes home to work her second shift – taking care of domestic duties, caring for the children, etc. The author argued that working dads may have some additional responsibilities upon returning home from work but they aren’t “on” all the time the same way a mom is.

Clearly the author of that book hasn’t met Jason.

family shot2When Jason and I fell in love, I often imagined what our life would look like down the road. I’d ask myself questions like: What kind of home would we build together? What would be the roses and thorns of our relationship? How would we raise our kids? …And so on. I’d catch myself daydreaming about our future together, 110% sure of that future without knowing how the specifics would all shake out.

When it comes to many things, Jason and I have very different taste. Whether evident while moving in together for the first time, planning our wedding, or redesigning our kitchen, anyone close to us can attest to our very different aesthetic preferences. Where I like modern, he likes traditional. Where I like vibrant, he likes conservative. These seemingly trivial differences have caused many discussions (read: fights) that have taught us how to communicate about issues bigger than light fixtures. During these “discussions,” it’s harder to see that as a silver lining. But now I realize that learning to communicate and see things from each other’s point of view has become especially handy when it comes to parenting and taking care of our home.

2015.3.10 Newborn KATZ-29From the beginning we have had an equal partnership in sharing the responsibilities of house and home… We balance each other’s habits (I create organizational systems and he attempts to maintain them; I bring in the mail every day and he sorts it and pays the bills) and we have a similar tolerance for clutter and mess (relatively high, unfortunately). But over the last few months, as I grew from pregnant to “really uncomfortably very pregnant” and then transitioned to “holy crap I just pushed a baby out of me,” our equal partnership went out the window. Jason took on an entire “second (and third) shift” of cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of the kids, taking care of me and doing pretty much anything that needed doing in our house, while my second shift (and sometimes first shift, too) consisted mostly of eating ice cream on the couch.

Love is a funny thing. I fell in love with Jason during a relatively carefree time in our lives – we went on dates, traveled, and built a foundation for our relationship. And that love runs strong and deep. But this love, the love that comes from seeing your partner take care of you and the life you’ve created together, is its own breed. And I count my lucky stars every day to have it, and to have Jason. I love you.

And, just for fun… here’s schmoopie.

Finding mom(me) x3

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party of 5Well, I did it. I popped out baby #3. (Okay, it was more than a “pop,” but I figure I’ll spare you the details.)

At any rate, last week I became a new mom for the 3rd time. Yes, I’ve been through this stuff before with my two older girls. Experience says I’m not “new” at this mom thing. And in many ways that’s true. For example, the constant fear that I’m going to drop the baby has mostly subsided by the third kid. And I check to make sure she’s breathing slightly less frequently than I did with our first and second kids. But having a new baby, whether for the first time or third, still brings the same simultaneous bliss and uncertainty.

The bliss is obvious. Blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby girl with ten little fingers and ten little toes, I spend a good part of my day staring at her – marveling at how this little being was just inside of me and now she’s not. She coos and cries, smiles as she passes gas and startles when she changes positions. The joys in each singular moment with a newborn baby are innumerable.

But having a baby is also hard… really hard. And in these first few days home, it’s all a little disorienting. Days and nights are interchangeable, simple tasks (like showering and brushing your teeth) become insurmountable obstacles, and the reality of sleep deprivation rears its ugly head. No matter how prepared or experienced you might think you are, newborns are as unpredictable as the birth experience itself and no amount of planning can prepare anyone for the moments of confusion, frustration and utter exhaustion that lay ahead.

3 sistersSince returning home with our new baby, I continue to also be reminded of how intense and intertwined nature and nurture are. Our older two kids need me from a nurture perspective – they need hugs and attention from mommy. Things that would normally roll off their backs are creating fodder for a full meltdown. On the other side, the baby needs me from a nature (namely nursing) perspective. The juxtaposition of this is taxing and trying, and in these early days is hard to navigate. I want to be everything to everyone, but it’s nearly impossible no matter how hard I try.

On top of that, there’s the reality of my own health – the need to take it easy, rest and recover from birth and that singular moment when everything changed and we were propelled back into baby world. For me, I also tend to navigate toward a bit of “radio silence” in the beginning – not returning phone calls, not having visitors (sorry to those who have reached out!). Just a week or two of a bubble-enclosed world where I can get my bearings again. All of this combined – the need to care for myself and to give each of my three beautiful girls attention in ways that are right for each of them – is tough.

Being a mom is a huge challenge, but it’s also crazy rewarding. It’s a constant struggle of giving our kids everything they need, and saving a little morsel for ourselves. It’s an ever-changing balance of putting ourselves in the trenches every day and navigating uncharted territory, all while falling madly, deeply in love over and over again. It’s a wild ride where we aim to keep the difficulties in perspective and the joys overflowing, where we aim to let the tough moments pass by us quickly and the tender memories linger forever. Because, in all honesty, what else is there?